How to trust your partner?
Trust. I think people get this one wrong all the time.
Most people think that when they meet someone they feel comfortable with they can “trust” them. By “trust” they mean that they think they have sufficiently assessed their character to be assured that this person will do, be or say what is expected of them.
When that person acts independently and does something contrary to what we desire, we say we feel “betrayed” and that our “trust was miss placed”.
But I think this is the wrong approach. What you are really doing in creating a story about how you want others to behave, and then you are holding them to a script you have created in your mind.
The other person does not know what your script is. They continue to do as they please regardless of the story line you are following.
A better approach,in my opinion, is rather than creating a script and “trusting” others to stick to that script, is you make “trust”something that develops as you go along.
So instead of trusting people from get go and feeling hurt when they don’t stick to your script. You give them free reign to be exactly who they are and accepting that, as humans, they will do things that surprise you.
In this way you place importance on communication instead of adherence to your ideals. You make communication the very most important thing and you actively listen to what a person has to say. And you realize that learning about a person never ends. And you never have to “trust” them at all.
When I met my partner we discussed monogamy and we agreed that we both value that. However, I don’t “trust” that he will be faithful. I don’t hold him to sticking to the script I have created.
Instead I know that monogamy is important to me. If my partner decides that it is not important to him he hasn’t betrayed me. But he is now acting in a way that is contrary to what I value, so our relationship will not continue. And you can apply that same rationality to any topic you desire in a relationship.
I hope I have explained my meaning clearly.
Trust is for material possessions. If I hire someone to do work in my house,I trust them not to steal from me.
But in relationships you don’t have to trust. You just have to communicate.
The great part about this approach is that you can truly relax and be happy and your relationship will never get stale because you are constantly keeping up with one another.
Over time you will look back and see that your relationship has indeed been built on trust. That trust, however, is not a blind faith, but in choosing communication every day, you build trust.
Trust. I think people get this one wrong all the time.
Most people think that when they meet someone they feel comfortable with they can “trust” them. By “trust” they mean that they think they have sufficiently assessed their character to be assured that this person will do, be or say what is expected of them.
When that person acts independently and does something contrary to what we desire, we say we feel “betrayed” and that our “trust was miss placed”.
But I think this is the wrong approach. What you are really doing in creating a story about how you want others to behave, and then you are holding them to a script you have created in your mind.
The other person does not know what your script is. They continue to do as they please regardless of the story line you are following.
A better approach,in my opinion, is rather than creating a script and “trusting” others to stick to that script, is you make “trust”something that develops as you go along.
So instead of trusting people from get go and feeling hurt when they don’t stick to your script. You give them free reign to be exactly who they are and accepting that, as humans, they will do things that surprise you.
In this way you place importance on communication instead of adherence to your ideals. You make communication the very most important thing and you actively listen to what a person has to say. And you realize that learning about a person never ends. And you never have to “trust” them at all.
When I met my partner we discussed monogamy and we agreed that we both value that. However, I don’t “trust” that he will be faithful. I don’t hold him to sticking to the script I have created.
Instead I know that monogamy is important to me. If my partner decides that it is not important to him he hasn’t betrayed me. But he is now acting in a way that is contrary to what I value, so our relationship will not continue. And you can apply that same rationality to any topic you desire in a relationship.
I hope I have explained my meaning clearly.
Trust is for material possessions. If I hire someone to do work in my house,I trust them not to steal from me.
But in relationships you don’t have to trust. You just have to communicate.
The great part about this approach is that you can truly relax and be happy and your relationship will never get stale because you are constantly keeping up with one another.
Over time you will look back and see that your relationship has indeed been built on trust. That trust, however, is not a blind faith, but in choosing communication every day, you build trust.
